its me again
thats the usual me. absent for a long time, once again.
wats happened in all this while???
well, first of all i (sort of you can say) recovering from a long negative peak in my efforts at trying to be who i am. the thing is i am sort of lost as to what it really means to be who you are. i wont really say confused. its that i more or less know what it is (theoretically speaking), but trying to put that into perspective of everyday life as a practicing and God fearing Muslim (alhamdulillah).
there is a hadith stating that our heart is like a white sheet to begin with. as time goes on, and we start sinning, black dots appear on this sheet one by one, until one day no traces of the original while remains. by definition, Islam is the deen-fitrah (the natural life style), which means being who you are should really go hand in hand with being a Muslim. but by now my heart is pretty black (may God help me) and which sort of made things complicated.
thats one good reason. but i guess there are more. i thing that i can think of the society i come from. back home you are born with a pack of expectations. become successful in life (ans success means being an engineer or doctor or such - and get a white collar job), get a beautiful wife and bla bla bla. i have been living abroad on and off for some time now, and i have come across many people who are really following their heart when it comes to doing something with their life. so i am sort of caught between two boats..... of course the "financial safety net factor" has a big role to play, but then again - where there is a will, there is a way.
life isnt really meant to be "and they are living happily forever ..." - and there is no fun to it. so i have no complaints.
the quest for survival goes on, and he laughs best who laughs last. i have my fingers crossed.
[photo credit: my dear friend shabbir ahmed the chemist]